Smiling through the Rain #7

Picture that person who is always smiling, always happy.  They always have something going for them.  They always seem to be busy.  You would never think that person had a problem or care in the world, never slowed down, and definitely never spent their time on idle things that normal people love to waste hours on.  

Fellow Toastmasters,

I am one of these people.  On the outside, I am very outgoing and friendly to everyone.  I am really involved with my family, job, and various interests.  I try to keep myself busy, because I know, if I slow down, I will crash....again.  

I've struggled with Depression for over 8 years.  In the long spectrum, it may not seem a lot.  But that is 8 years of worrying about what I am doing in my life, struggling with my horrible thoughts of myself and others, and controlling who I know I am and who I should be.  

Depression affects 121 million people worldwide.  In a study recorded by Mental Health America, they reported that Utah was the most depressed state.  Among adults in Utah, 10.14 percent experienced a depressive episode in the past year and 14.58 percent experienced serious psychological distress.  

On average, the higher the number of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers per capita in a state, the lower the suicide rate.  The lower the percentage of the population reporting that they could not obtain healthcare because of costs, the lower the suicide rate and the better the state's depression status. In addition, the lower the percentage of the population that reported unmet mental healthcare needs, the better the state's depression status.  Holding the baseline level of depression in the state constant, the higher the number of antidepressant prescriptions per capita in the state, the lower the suicide rate. The more educated the population and the greater the percentage with health insurance, the lower the suicide rate. The more educated the population, the better the state's depression status.

The center for Disease Control and Prevention

1 in 10 people report depression.  

Who Tends to be Most Depressed?

This study found the following groups to be more likely to meet criteria for major depression:

• persons 45-64 years of age
• women
• blacks, Hispanics, non-Hispanic persons of other races or multiple races
• persons with less than a high school education
• those previously married
• individuals unable to work or unemployed
• persons without health insurance coverage

 In can affect a person's ability to work, form relationships, and destroy their quality of life. At its most severe depression can lead to suicide and is responsible for 850,000 deaths every year. 

Now for those of you that have never experienced depression, imagine crawling into a very dark, deep puddle of mud.  You ooze down the edges of that puddle and you just sit there.  Alone.  In a pile of mud, with no desire to get out.  You would rather stay in that pile of mud, than to climb your way out, wash yourself down, and be with others...who are clean.  It's honestly one of the scariest feelings I have had...that I cared so little about my life.  I could talk forever about my depression and how its kept me from things that I love, but that's not very motivational.  

What I see as motivating and encouraging is that I did not stay in the mud for long. I wallowed for awhile, but eventually I found the energy that I needed to find my way to the top.  I always got up and smiled, knowing I had time to conquer it for awhile.  

Depression is an on-going battle I feel I will never win.  And I hope I never do.  Because if I did, I would give up trying so hard.  But when I remember those times in my life when I was a happy go-lucky girl, and I look in the mirror and see another person, I claw my way out of that mud puddle until I can see my face again.  

Never give up on yourself.  You are your biggest fan.  No person on this earth can fight your battles for you.  They can give you nice baths when you climb out and give you encouraging shouts from the top, but ultimately, you are the one with the muscles and willpower to climb out of that mud puddle.  

Reach up # 10

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”   I'd have to agree with Mr. Gandhi here.  When you are troubled about yourself and your weight seems too heavy to carry...turn to others.  Lend a hand, a foot, or even a smile...and find at the other side your own self. 

Why serve?  Why take what spare time that you have to give to another. That's a good question and you need the answer.  Service has to be done with the right attitude or it is not effective.  Serving others fills a hole in your heart you didn't know was there.  It helps us forget about ourselves and keeps our hearts in check.  I am humbled to serve others because I find my troubles and challenges are small comparability and it gives me a broader perspective for my own life.  Now that I have convinced you of the benefit of serving, I want to share some easy ways that we can serve to find deeper meaning in our lives.  

The easiest way to serve others is by looking in the next bedroom.  Sometimes the people who need us most are only a hop, skip, and a jump away. Quoting one of my favorite leaders, he said, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home."  So often we look for the award winning service, something that will stand out against the other contributions in life. But seeing those that we love succeed at their lives is reward enough.  Who is close to you in your own lives that you can serve? 

It is said that when you serve another person, you start to love them more.  I tested this out once.  I lived with a roommate that drove me a like bonko sometimes.  So I decided to find little ways in which to serve her.  I made her bed, I left little notes, and I surprised her with her favorite candy after she had survived a long week.  At the end of the week, I took a little evaluation of the situation.  She was still grumpy and not much had changed in her attitude towards me, but what did change was my attitude towards her.  Serving her showed me who she really was.  I could step outside of myself and see life from her perspective. 

Now I am married and I have a permanent roommate who I can try all of my skills out on.  Who would have thought serving someone I live with would help me later on.  I also have a new roommate, nine months old, and the most adorable face you've ever seen.  I am finding so much joy in serving him.  Motherhood is honestly the best service project I have signed up for.  I love being with my son, playing with him, loving him, and teaching him the ropes of life.  What greater service can you give, but to your own children. 

So recapping this thought, serving those that are closest to us is the way to go. We learn life lessons from them and find our greatest joy in their successes. 

Another easy way to serve is by getting involved with a group.  One unforgettable experience I will never forget is when I went with the 4-H club to the nursing home.  We played the game "Honey, please smile" with the patients during a Valentine’s party.  It's a game where you have to try to get those in your group to crack a smile. A bold and vivacious patient sat square in my lap, flashed me a toothy grin, and proposed right there on the spot.  My smile did not stay hidden for long.  I cracked like an egg and had a great time visiting with him later. It's time like these that you realize it’s not just about doing something for others that they cannot do themselves.  It is about getting to know people and realizing that they are just like you.  Clubs and group settings are a perfect way to give acts of service for others. 

Luckily, we are already involved in a great club that naturally gives service to others.  Out of the ten roles of Toastmasters, there is not one that would not benefit your club members.  An evaluator is key in helping a member improve on their speaking skills.  A toastmaster is encouraging others to speak in an impromptu situation.  Even the humorist is trying to improve the mood of the meeting.  I will never forget when a fellow toastmaster shared a joke with us. He had heard some despairing news that day, and yet he smiled anyway and spread some cheer.  Now that is what I am talking about! If you don't feel like smiling...smile until you do!  

The last way you can serve is to get involved with your community.  Most people would think of big ideas like giving blood, adopting a highway, or getting involved politically.  But bigger projects are not the only way we can reach out.  Sometimes just a smile while passing on the street can change the life of someone.  Small things like saying hello, opening the door for another, or lending an ear to a friend can go a long way in someone's life.

And that is why I do service.  These little acts of kindness keep me going. They help give me hope that this world is becoming a better place, one smile at time. So you look around you as you walk down the street.  Who can you touch today?  Look for opportunities to serve those who are closest to us and value the service we give in our own clubs and communities.  Reach up by reaching out. 

Small Moments #4

Speech 4

The aims for this speech project focus on your selection of words and phrases:

• Choose words and grammar which communicate clearly.
• Choose words and grammar which appeal to the senses.
• Eliminate jargon.

Fellow Toastmasters,

Memories are a precious thing.  Out of everything in this life, it is one thing we can treasure forever.  Fires destroy the most material objects.  Things can be stolen, lost, or broken within a moment's notice.  But memories burn in our heart forever.

Years ago, when I was around 9 or 10, my mom was in a terrible accident and dislocated her shoulder.  The surgery was harder on her than she had expected.  It was painful and many nights she moaned in constant pain.  It was hard on me to hear her struggle so much.  I would sit at the end our worn, blue couch and pull her legs towards me.  I would rub them gently, back and forth...back and forth.   I would have her picture the beach just as I would like to do with you.  Please close your eyes and imagine the scene that I share with you.   

In your ears, the sound of the crashing waves soothe every fear, every stress, every weight that you carry upon those trained, tired, and task-driven shoulders.  Your feet are enveloped by warm, sparkling white sand that fills every crevice.   Seagulls squawk for lunch leftovers. The taste of salt lingers on your tongue. You are refreshed and ready to face your life again. Open your eyes.

Just as I shared this moment with you, I tried to distract my mother with this glimpse of the beach I knew she would treasure.  A smile would creep across her face and she seemed to forget for a moment her aching pain.  This is what memories of the beach does for my family.  They heal us. The sun, the air, and the atmosphere revitalizes, renews, and recommits us to our lives.  It's amazing how memories help to heal us.  

Memories also teach us a lesson.  With my Language Arts students, we have a unit of study called Small Moments. In this unit we take small glimpses of our life and write them down to be remembered forever.  I love writing with my students to encourage them, to know what struggles they will encounter, and to relive some of my fondest memories.  Here is one I wrote recently.

A Sneeze in the Hand

As I checked my students one by one off for having their math homework, I noticed a very, unsmiling face.  The person that it was attached to is usually very smiley so this was unusual.

Mackenzie...I lifted her chin with my hand…

Achooooo!!!! she sneezed right into my outstretched hand, now filled with her wet germs. 

“Ewww!!!! Go get me the anti-bacterial soap.  Hurry!!”  I cringed at the puddle of snot as I pumped clear soap into the mixture.  Hopefully the germs shriveled and died right there in my hand.  But…you never know. 

Ok so not all of the small moments do I want to remember forever, but maybe for awhile... at least to remember not to stretch my hand out under a student's nose.  There are many small moments that happen in our lives.  Feeling success at our job one day.  The disappointing look we receive from our parents.  Most small moments are exactly that...small.  But others are deeply profound and important to us the rest of our lives.  Let me share one with you I will never forget.  

Instruments of all shapes and sizes covered the glassy counters. Round bins filled with silvery, sharp daggers, a square monitor screen to show surprising news, and an uncomfortable, plastic-lounge chair to wait on added to the tension.  This is the place I would discover my fate for the next 9 months. 

            As I sat on the sticky plastic, with only a towel draped over my legs.  The clock ticked louder in my ears.  Even though Fred was sitting near me, his presence felt invisible.  I was alone.

            As the sun set in the window frame, I noticed the silver door handle rise and fall.  It was time.  My heart pumped harder as the midwife walked through the open door.

            “Is this your first baby?” she asked as she started fingering her equipment. 

Yes I nodded back to her.  She introduced me to what was nicknamed the "Texas tampon" and told me to lean back and take deep breaths.  Before I could protest, I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye. 

            I saw a small screen to my right that showed an ultra-violet black surrounding a tiny white center.  Is that my baby?  She nodded and continued to maneuver the stick from other angles. 

            “Huh…that’s our little jelly bean.  I watched as the midwife measured our baby from head to toe.  It wasn't even 2 centimeters yet.  What a tiny miracle!

Seeing my baby son the size of a jelly bean is a moment I will never forget.  There are many experiences we have in life. Some bad...but others are ones we want to hold tight to and never forget.  I wonder what we thought the first time we saw a grasshopper hop, or a butterfly spread its colorful wings.  Stop and smell the roses.  Wonderful things happen around us each day.   Memories are precious...and we are making them right now.  

Reflections of the Valentine Letter...speech 8

Well I decided to do this last minute because I am trying to get 6 speeches done by March. This is my fifth tonight I have given.  I am really disappointing in myself although because this one was more of an emotional, stirring one about my love life and I could have made it really great.  But because I rushed when I gave it, I didn't know it and had to read it straight from the paper, and a few stumbling spots.  I forgot to tape myself...I am kind of glad I didn't.

I don't think I even stepped away from the lectern.  I did not look anyone in the eye, and even though I did not have a good evaluation, you could tell others were disappointed   They knew I could do better and I expected more from myself also!

This whole speech was supposed to focus on props, and even though I had my letter to show, it was more of an afterthought.  I should have gotten some mugshots of boys I dated. Or pictures of Fred and I dating.

Maybe one day I will give it again and give it the justice and care it deserves.  Oh well....you need to feel humbled sometimes, and tonight was my night.

A Special Note on Valentine's # 8

Happy Valentines Day Fellow Toastmasters.

Tonight I brought my lucky letter.  More about that later.  I'd like to journey back with you four years into my past.  Hold on to your britches, my life was a mindless, meandering, but magical roller coaster!  In January 2009, I was going on dates at least twice a week with different guys each night.  My New Years goal was to date anyone who said yes.  I was valiantly looking for the one...the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I had had enough of being alone.  Coming home to an empty apartment each night after a long day of teaching 25 kids that were not your own was not contentment.  So I asked out anyone I thought was worthy of my time and was also available.

There was the guy who couldn't commit.  The one with the squirrely tongue. The long-distant close friend who only called for his weekly self-esteem boost.  Is that enough horror for you?

Fine here are some more.  The gymnast that turned out to be a little too flexible, the blond babe that dragged me through the relationship mud, and oh ya...the handsy cop who hadn't ever been told no.

Well after a few dates with "these people" you can imagine the frustration I felt.

But don't worry, my trusty letter helped me make it through. We're almost to that part...Is the suspense killing you?  Good.  By Valentine's Day, I was pooped.  Not one 1st date had become a 2nd, mostly because I was just dating a bunch of weirdos.  So sitting in my room on Valentine's night was just what I needed to recuperate.  The buffet of bad choices of men had soured my appetite for too long.  Why go out to see couples holding hands, stealing kisses in dark shady places on the sidewalk. I had been doing that for months and it wasn't working. So I popped a good video into my trusty old VCR (Never out of style btw) and settled in for the night.  The night was young and I had a whole box of old movies to re-watch.

I love to watch a good movie.  One that you've seen a hundred times and still are able to laugh, cry, and reflect at all the right moments.  But I just felt so restless inside after a few minutes of watching.  I wanted to be with people, not in this dark and dank basement with prehistoric VHS tapes. If the menu did not look appealing, maybe I needed to try a new restaurant   

My phone vibrated with a text.  An invitation to go out.  To a Single-Awareness party.  Well, not the most award winning party, but maybe their would be new specials on tonight's menu. 

Before I left that night to attend this Single-Awareness party, I resolved to write my future husband a letter and then go and have a good time with people I had never met before.  Yay...we made it to the letter.  

To my other half:

Life has taken many tosses and turns and I sometimes wonder where you have been and what's taking so much of your time.  Sometimes I wonder why God made me so passionate about finding the right one for me.  It seems to occupy my thoughts constantly.  Even on my mission I struggled with that emptiness that kept grinding inside of me...like I haven't felt whole for years.  My guess is our love must have been pretty strong before we came and sometimes we yearn to be together again...I at least do.

It's Valentines Day today.  It's my favorite holiday and yet there is always a sadness that it will never be complete without you.

I also wrote in this letter many promises and wishes I had for our future life together.  I even told him when he gets fat, bald, and ugly that I would still love him anyway...luckily my eyesight would be also be failing.

I sealed up my letter and put it in a special place.  I planned to show my husband on our wedding night just how much he was thought of.  

I went to the party and right away I started to have a fun night.  What a good decision to get up and go.   As far as the menu was concerned, there was a little bit of oodling...but mostly I just being around normal people, and not weirdos on my favorite day of the year. Who would have thought that that very night, I would meet my one and only?  I met him on the night my mind and heart had given up and my will to be around friends was stronger than trying to find the one.  

Fred Rabe entered my life at that party, and even though I thought he looked kind of dorky, and had really nerdy friends, he was the nicest guy I had ever met.  Like turned into love and as I spent more and more time with him, I realized what I had been missing all of those years.  He has turned out to be everything I needed and more.  Gone are the crappy days of dating people that are just not for me. Gone are the days of coming home each night to an empty house.  He feels my soul with goodness and makes me better in ways I could imagine.  I did give this letter to him on our wedding night and currently we are working on our forever after.  

Mr. Toastmaster

Reflection of Speech 6

This speech was a week late.  We had to cancel when I was actually supposed to go because of the snow.  And so...I didn't practice until the next Sunday.  Ya...I procrastinated and didn't know the speech as well as I could have.  I have a few scripture verses in there that I was worried about having the controversy over.  It ended up being fine.

I didn't walk around as much as I usually do because I needed my speech ALOT, but I played it off pretty well.

The person who evaluated me didn't give me much feedback on what I should do to improve my pitch, volume, etc.  Basically what my speech was all about, but I think I did okay on it.  I loved the idea of this speech, but I felt I didn't have enough time to develop it. I should have shared a specific instant that my tongue got me into trouble.  Or I should have given a specific way that I was going to try to tame my tongue.  5-7 mins is just not enough time.

Everyone dotes on me in my club because they are impressed that only after my 4th speech, I am doing so well.  It is really encouraging to me, although I feel frustrated with the power of my speeches.  They don't seem to go beyond the lectern and they leave at the end of the meeting...if that makes any sense.

Sppech # 6 Taming the tongue try 2

Speech 6:  Vocal Variety

• Does your voice put your audience to sleep? Does it put you to sleep?
• Do you find it hard to convey emotions with your voice?
• Are you easy to listen to, or does your voice let you down?

The sixth Toastmasters speech project guides you to harness the power of your own voice. This article of the Toastmasters Speech Series examines the primary goals of this project, provides tips and techniques, and links to numerous sample speeches.

Why is This Speech Important?

• pace,
• pitch,
• power, and
• pauses.

Mr. Toastmaster...fellow Toastmasters,

I used to ride horses alot when I lived in Georgia.  Had you ever watched me, you would think I was a natural. Had you stuck around to see me get off and stand next to the horse, you would realize I was no longer the girl who sat so bravely on the saddle.

Maybe it is because I am so small.  Or maybe because when I am in the saddle with a handle on the horse's reins, I know I am safe.  Even though the bit which is in the horse's mouth is so small, it is the key to steering this massive, gentle animal.  How can something so small as a bit be the key to controlling a horse's direction?

It is the same with ships.  No matter the size, the ships are controlled but by a small helm, or steering wheel.  By a flick of the wrist, the ship is able to turn this way or that.  No matter the wind, the waves, or the amount of weight it carries, it is controlled by this small integral part of the ship.

These examples illustrate how the next few verses I will read have haunted me for many years.   In short it says, "The tongue is a little member.  But how great a ^bmatter a little fire kindleth!  And the tongue is a fire that no man can tame. It is an ^bunruly evil, full of deadly poison."

How many of you have ever gotten in trouble because you let your tongue get away from you?  You just had to say that one thing.   One of my favorite nicknames in high school was "Mouth of the south." I earned that nickname.  I talked alot.  I still do, but imagine how much I talk now, and triple that. Being involved in many people's lives, you start to get involved with their trials and challenges also. I guess that is where the trouble comes in.  I am very bold when I have an opinion.  I stand up for what I think is right and sometimes I step on toes to accomplish that.

How can we be so kind and just one moment, and yet, our tongues best us the next?  I can't tell you all the times my mouth has gotten me in trouble.  I am one of those really blunt loud-mouths who has to say exactly how I feel or I'm going to burst.  Following the outburst, there is a moment of satisfaction, and then a world of regret.

It seems the better I know the person, the more I am more likely to do this.  I justify that this person would know me enough that it wouldn't bother them.  I am always wrong about that.  No one likes to hear correction.  No one likes criticism.  No one likes to be told that they are not doing enough.  And I seem to have a full bucket of corrections, criticisms and things for them to do my way.

Essentially tongues are the epitome of who we are.  Even though a very small member of our bodies, as I said before, a tongue is a fire. We may do many kind deeds in life like serving at a soup kitchen, or volunteering at the Blood drive.  We may visit the sick or the needy.  We may even change a person's life for the better.  But as soon as we say something that hurts another, all of those acts of kindness burn and turn to ash.  Later in this chapter I have read from, it says, "Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?

I had an “aha moment” as I sat reading these verses.  How could I profess to be one person, but allow myself to let these daggers and swords escape my tongue?  And then the memories started to roll in.  I thought of all the many broken relationships that I've had where I had to say that last part and scare them to high heaven.  I thought of the many times I had to get the last word in an argument with my parents and then to top it off with a door slam.  I thought of all the many petty fights I had with my girlfriends back in high school and college that left damaged friendships left and right.  Who would I be today if I would have found some duct tape for my mouth?  What relationships and friendships would I have prevented from harm if I would have just closed this "mouth of the south?"

Unfortunately, I have had many experiences where bitter water has flowed fitfully from my mouth.  It seemed I was unable to stop it.  Or I just didn't want to.  What I had to say needed to be said eventually and why not be the one to say it?  That person would eventually get over it and would realize the credit of me saying it to them in the first place.  Maybe not right away, but one day.

But who am I to ruin their course of life?  Ultimately, I cannot change who they are.  I can lovingly suggest and lead and guide, but I do not even have the right to do that in most cases.  I guess there really is no point in looking back.  Although, I do think recognition of weaknesses is power.  I don't want to be one of those people that builds hundreds of bridges that benefit others, and then burn them all down with hurtful words and wrong decisions made by my unruly tongue.   Taming the tongue will not be easy.  But I think of all those times where my tongue has gotten me into trouble.  Times where my tongue has ruined relationships for good.  And I am sure it will be worth it.